We've been home about a week, and I'm thinking that there's no possible way for me to really capture what has happened and how things are going. From China, I could blog every day, and most posts would be over 1,000 words. I'm sure most people don't want to read a 10,000-word post, so I really don't know what to write about and what to keep inside. I'll just start in no particular order and let you do your own filtering of the sections.

Lester on the Great Wall

I guess we somehow left this one out of our blog earlier, but rest assured that this not a Photoshopped image. Lester really scaled this small tower on the Great Wall of China:

And in this next picture, you can see Faith and Larry Ziegler trying to coax Lester down from his regal throne.

Larry might have ended up getting on Faith's shoulders to get him down.

The Disney that Wasn't

I don't know why this picture gives me a haunting feeling, but it does. We were driving to the Great Wall of China, and I saw what looked like a great big amusement park. It looked like it was just getting ready to open. It had a fresh parking lot, and nicely-themed entrance, and some rides that could be seen in the distance. We asked out guide about it, and learned that it had been sitting there for many years now. It will never open, and the newspapers never said the reason. I'm fascinated by the contrast of these two things... a seemingly happy theme park-to-be, contrasted by a darker, oppressive government and state-run media that rarely tells a story that paints them in a negative light. In the U.S., we'd at least know why something like this failed to open. I remember feeling so sad to see this in person and hear the story (or lack thereof) behind it.

The Beginning

How could I have missed this one? This is a picture of the building where we met Zoe for the very first time. You can see that it looks like a run-down part of town (which most of the city looked like, to be honest). In the lower part of the picture you can see that the street is completely torn up. It was not a kind scene... until we saw Zoe's face for the first time.

The Plane to KC
Our flight attendant fell in love with Zoe. Later, he would pull out pictures of his toddler son and ask if we thought his son had a chance to marry Zoe. I believe this is the 3rd parent who has requested this. If I had to guess, I'd say this dapper gentleman has the best shot right now. Max.

It could be those big, brown eyes. It could also be the way he pours his heart out in song. Of course, there's the very real possibility that she's just using him for his inside track on chocolate pudding.

I'm blown away by how taken people are with Zoe, especially now that we've gotten to see the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of her. On our plane to KC, we were on the very back row. The wall of the bathroom was right behind us, so at one point, there was a line of maybe three people. A man in line kept looking intently at Zoe, and I felt like he wanted to ask questions or something, but I didn't make much eye contact. I was simply exhausted. Finally, he leaned over and said, "Excuse me, I know you've probably heard this thousands of times, but I just wanted to tell you that your daughter is just a doll! She literally looks like a child's doll. She's just beautiful."
That was it. That's all he had to say. Of course, we HADN'T heard it thousands of times, because we'd just gotten her. I know every parent thinks their kid is cute, so this just made me feel a bit like Sally Field giving her Oscar speech... "People LIKE Zoe. They really LIKE her!"

KCI
We had an amazing group of people waiting for us there when we arrived. A LARGE group of people, with banners, signs, gifts, hugs, and tears. Faith wanted me to record the whole thing, but all I got was a lousy 10-second video that didn't show much of anything.

It was so great to see so many faces. We were definitely exhausted, as I found myself talking about the great people of Japan. Someone else had to point out that we actually went to China. Anyone who knows me knows that this is par for the course.
For the KCI reception, thank you sincerely.

Back to Eby Lane
We had an amazing sign tied to the oak tree that grows in front of our house. It was an amazing and surpising welcome back home.

We had an amazing group of people who truly "finished" Zoe's room. Before we left, the pieces were in place, but rough edges abounded. In a later post, I'll show a little tour of her room.

Jet Lag
It's strong. A 14-hour time difference is a killer. When we got home from the airport and toured Zoe's now-FINISHED room, we found ourselves unable to sleep. We were tired, but couldn't sleep. I think 3am was when we finally dozed off. We set no alarm, so I just woke up when my body told me to. From the daylight in the window, I would have guessed that it was about 9am. It was actually 1:30 in the afternoon! It's been a slow, painful process getting back into a midwest timezone. I've never been so tired, but so unable to fall asleep. It wouldn't be uncommon to see Faith reading a book from 2:00 - 4:00am... for me to be watching mindless television at 5am, just TRYING to fall asleep. I'm happy to NOW report that I think we've finally licked this thing called jet lag.

China vs. Mexico... The Unwritten Cold War
This was the introduction that Faith and I were most anxious about... how would Zoe react to our Chihuahuas (Myrtle and Mable), and vice versa. For the first week, I think you could best describe it as mutual fear and loathing, masked by a thin veil of tolerance. Initially, the dogs were just so excited for us to be home, they welcomed Zoe with open hearts and paws. Zoe kind of freaked out. It wasn't a cry. It was more like a shriek of excited fear. In short order, however, Myrtle and Mable learned to dislike three distinct characteristics of Zoe. 1) Said shriek, which I believe eclipses the upper range of human hearing, piercing the delicate eardrums of dogs. 2) The eerily unstable sense of balance and equilibrium of a toddler (one misguided fall, and Mable is toast). 3) Zoe's introduction to the book "Toes, Eyes, and Nose". In this book, she learns parts of the body, and learns to point to them. Eyes were one of the first things she picked up. Since she can't say the words yet, she'll simply point. When she points, she pokes. Your eyes should clearly be closed when she pokes, because she really goes in. For those of you who know Myrtle, you already know where this is going. For those who don't, some brief history. Myrtle is blind in one eye. Chihuahuas normally have these big, bulbous eyes that protrude from their lightbulb-shaped heads. Myrtle only has one. Her body is rejecting the eye that doesn't work, so it's just kind of a sunken, greyed-out blob. This picture shows it quite well (and yes, it also shows that we're those pathetic people who dress up their dogs at holidays):

She hates it when people sneak up on her blind side, and she LOATHES people who draw attention to the fact that it's a hideous looking eye (are you listening, Brad?).
Okay, so back to the story. When Zoe saw what could be her first dogs, and she worked up the courage to get close to them, she wanted to point out the different parts of a dog's body... nose, ears, and, you guessed it, eyes. Myrtle felt mocked. Mable just felt a tiny finger poking at her massive eyeballs. Neither of them liked it. All three creatures know that they must tolerate each other, but each species is distrustful of the other. Both sides have established a "safe" home base. Myrtle and Mable have their kennel, and if Zoe approaches it, Myrtle will definitely growl at her. On the other hand, if the dogs enter Zoe's room or approach her quilt in the living room, she'll freak out. I really think both sides are learning where they are and aren't welcome.
The dogs understand that Zoe is here to stay, so they do their best to tolerate her with respect. If Zoe approaches them on the couch or on the bed with curiosity, poor Mable will just hunch down a bit and tremble, not knowing what part of her anatomy will be poked or pulled, but still knowing that she must endure it. She's a real trooper, and we really respect her for at least TRYING to be a friend to Zoe. Small improvements can be seen each day, so someday they'll be good friends. From Myrtle's standpoint, though, Zoe will need to issue a verbal apology about the eye thing.

How Is This Different?
Nap time. Zoe fights it with the dedication of a world champion. Getting her to sleep is a chore that I don't have the time to chronicle here. But it's work. When she finally goes to sleep, it takes a soft foot to exit the room without her waking up. The problem is that 70-year old stairs aren't quiet with the softest of feet. It's not always possible to make an exit without waking the dragon.
We have a baby monitor in Zoe's room. I came home from work one afternoon and was simply resting on the couch as Zoe was taking her nap. The red lights on the monitor danced in sync to a tiny, whiny, wail of "Mama!" I tell Faith to ignore it for a bit. Zoe wasn't crying (yet), so we just let her whine. We needed to be strong and not create a habit of running up there every time she called for us. The lights and sounds on the monitor continue to dance to the requests for mama. Faith and I eye one another, mentally questioning if we should go up and comfort her. The lights on the monitor continue to dance, but the sound changes. The sounds are now, "Papa! Papa!". I decide that perhaps it's time to check on her, when Faith, with a bit of frustration in her voice, says, "Tell me exactly how this is different from two seconds ago??!!" I selfishly admit that I just wanted to get to "rescue" her... just once. To be perfectly honest, I don't remember if I did. I remember it being more of a lesson of how self-centered I was in my thinking and my decisions. When a kid is crying you YOU, it's a lot more personal than if they're calling for someone else. I guess this is a good enough lead-in to:

Dads Get the Baby Blues Too

It's so weird to write this post right now. The first week or two back home with Zoe was nuts for me. Emotionally, it was crazy. I kept thinking of things to blog about... things that were emotionally impactful that I needed to write. And then, by the hour almost, my emotions would change. If I truly would have blogged daily, I'm certain that someone would have recommended institutionalization. I would have seemed all over the place... one moment loathing my situation, the next saying I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Some of you might think, "Well, that's just parenting." I can understand where you're coming from, especially now that I'm in more of a "routine". But trust me when I saw that the first week home was very different. I really think I went through a genuine depression. Other people saw it in me. I know for a fact I felt it personally.

I remember being home for a few days. We had something like 30 visitors over that first weekend, so I was already kind of stressed out just from the jet lag, commotion, and the fact that we had a new kid. But I remember getting up early on like the Monday or Tuesday after we arrived back home. I was the only one up, and I was letting the dogs outside. In those early, quiet minutes outside, I can remember genuinely thinking, "We've waited 3 years and spent an unholy amount of money on this thing. And for what? For this kind of life? How could we have been so stupid? I'd give anything to have my "old" life back." It was a real depression. At that moment, I felt like Faith and I pretty much had a perfect life that we threw away. It's creepy for me to even type that right now, and I've been tempted to not even blog about it. But we're now close to 1,000 daily visitors to this site, and I know that some are adoptive parents-to-be. The purpose of this section here isn't to discourage you. Rather, it's to tell you very honestly and openly what I went through. And for me, after returning home, it was a depression. Even at the peak of it, it was weird. It didn't make logical sense. There wasn't ever a time that I didn't love Zoe. It's not like I wanted to UNDO the adoption. It was too late. I already loved her and it was an option I couldn't consider. To be perfectly honest though, for a few days, I think I wished that we'd simply never seen her or received our referral. That way I wouldn't have loved her and I could have continued with our happy life as we knew it.

I'm happy to say that it passed. It passed rather quickly and noticeably. In hindsight, I try to think of the reasons that I might have gone through it. There's probably a stew of reasons, but here are the main ingredients:

Chemical - I've been told that the trip was probably like a big adrenaline rush, and returning home to a "normal" life can literally throw your body into a chemical state of imbalance. I definitely believe that chemicals are a factor in depression, so it would make sense that some of this was simply beyond my control.

Adjusting - Let's face it... we jumped into a 2 year old. It's not easy. So mix this with the reason above, and it's a powerful depressant. And finally,

Bonding - It hadn't happened with me yet. Zoe preferred to have very little to do with me. So we had a chemically freaked out dad, trying to adjust to life with a brand new 2 year old that seemingly wanted nothing to do with him. Man, it was a downer. I'm not saying it's NORMAL for adoptive dads, but for me, it happned.

So I mentioned that it passed. How/why it passed is simply a benefit of the three reasons above changing. I think chemically, I got back to normal. Although we're still "adjusting", the main shock of life on Eby Lane with a toddler has passed. And finally, Zoe bonded with me. That bonding process will be the topic of a later blog entry. This one is already far too long.

I'd say that 90% of the depression went away in a single day. It was a day that I took care of Zoe entirely. Breakfast, lunch, supper, bathtime, brushing teeth, and bedtime. The whole day was ours. I think it might have helped jump-start the bonding process, but just as meaningful to me, it made me realize without a doubt that I can handle this parenting thing. At the end of that day, I went to sleep with a smile. And honestly, since that day, that week-long depression seems like ancient history.

Blog Wars

It's not really a "war". Just a fun title. I love looking at webstats. It shows where people come from. I have a friend in Texas called Hamster. I have another friend in North Carolina who goes, mysteriously, by the name "E". The main difference is that "Hamster" is simply Kevin's nickname. "E", on the other hand, is what she really goes by in daily life. Very mysterious. But both people are some of the finest examples of humans that you can find on this earth. Hamster spent time teaching in China, and we're long overdue for a visit about our experiences. Anway, both Hamster and E have sent visitors to Zoe's Journey Home from their respective blogs. Hamster is winning the referral battle by about 6 people a month.

It might be worth noting that Hampster loves:

PBR, Baby

He's actually blogged about it. A fascinating guy. He knows full well that I simply won't consume it. Kevin, you might be proud to know that, whilst in China, I broke down and had a Pabst Blue Ribbon. It tasted a bit watery because... well... look at the bottle and see for yourself.

You could buy a 6-pack of it for like $1.50. Bottled water was dirt cheap in China. Even the PBR brand.

Easter

The whole concept of decorating Easter eggs was pretty much lost on Zoe. I think she was more interested in eating the eggs than in decorating them. Regardless, we drove down to Wellsville for the Easter service, where Zoe got to show off her new Easter dress that my mom bought her. Zoe's cousin, Kale, just loves to spend time with her. Here's a picture of the two of them.

Then this picture adds Kale's brother, Arron, to the mix.

I think it's obvious that my dad loves Zoe... and from this picture, it's obvious that the feeling is mutual.

And with that, I simply have to end this post. I'll try to post smaller entries more frequently instead of long novels a week or two apart.

Okay, okay, I get it. I've had some phone calls, some e-mails, and some tongue-lashings in person. I haven't updated the site in a while. Here's an example that just came in from Faith's sister:

Well, you know how when they have a new series on TV start and you get really into it and then it ends for the season or they take it off the air and it makes you crazy, cause you have to wait to find out what happens next, in the next season. Well guess what… you have a couple of Zoe’s Journey readers that feel the same way, they feel like they are in the middle of a writers strike! They crack me up! They told me the other day that they keep checking the website for updates and nothing, notta, they feel like they were teased and then dropped like a hot potato!!

I thought it was pretty hilarious, so I told them, I would pass on their enthusiasm about the next chapter or semi monthly updates to feed their addictions are probably a possibility. Sooooo, Jason/Faith if you could just put in a little update as to how things are going and that you did make it back to Kansas city and back to Eby Lane, they might cool off a little bit. Even though, I have already shared all my pictures and emails with them, they seem to want to get the info straight from the writers (you guys…hee).

I'm not sure which will ruffle more feathers... NOT posting another update, or posting this, which really isn't much of an update at all. Just a teaser. Nothing of substance. You see, I'm at work now, and despite the freedom of being self-employed, I do have project deadlines, one of which is looming now. Later, we travel to Leavenworth to make a stop at the grandparent's house, and after that, we'll have the KU game DVR'd.

The bottom line is that I DO plan to update, but now isn't the time. I'll get to it this weekend. Some of the planned updates: 1) A Lester the Lion update, where we get a few more of his pictures posted. 2) A "Lost photos of China" post, where I can post some of the photos that had been transferred to our "dead" laptop and couldn't be posted from China. 3) A post about life on Eby Lane with a munchkin.

I'm sure there's more, but that's it for now. I guess at the very least, I can post a couple of videos that I already had uploaded.

Zoe Loves Kisses

Zoe Loves Kisses... Even Feet!

And, curtain.

Just waiting for our plane to take off from KC, and thought @ld respond to some comments. Mainly E and Kathy/Saul on this one. Will the blog continue? I think so. As I've alreeady written, I thinks it's a healthy exercise for me to do so. I'm certain they won't be daily, but perhaps weekly or bi-monthly?
Honestly, though, we think there's something bigger here. Especially after the long flight home. I think that a book is?lt an insane idea, especially when paired with Faith's poetry and the comment left by family and friends. There's a story that needs to be told. Not Zoe's story, per se, since this blog did a good job of that. No, I'm thinking more along the lines of a story that every adoptive parent should read.
The ride home was great. For usM it was perfect. Even on the 12 hour flight, she didn't fuss or cry a single time. Not once. But there was some wisdom I wish I could have passed along to a few parents. I'm not talking about me being a self-righteous 'good' parent. I'm talking things like... if you're a single parent who just adopted, don't load up on sleeping pills and let your behaviorally challenged kids (maybe 6-8 years old) terrorize the entire plane.

There will be a more in-depth blog about this in the future, but yes, I think ther's the beginning of something valuable here. Hope to see most of you in KC soon!